Sunday, October 27, 2013

hi.

I never really cared what people had to say or what they thought when it came to the matters of myself or my life. It isn't often I take things serious enough for it to put a dent in my day. But when it comes to my child, I am learning that I do take things said, to heart. Because like all mothers, we want what is best for our children. We want to make sure we are doing things right, and if someone says we aren't, then we want to fix that.
As a first time mother, I will openly admit that I didn't know everything when my daughter was born. Each day was new and different- never the same challenges or dilemma's. Most days I was scared out of my skin, constantly questioning myself if I was even cut out for this calling. Thinking I'd made a mistake and bringing a tiny human in this world was going to end up as some tragic Lifetime movie.
If you're reading this, and you are a mother- I KNOW one of your first fears as a new mom was something along the lines of "How on earth am I going to keep this little person alive??"
If that wasn't a fear of yours, then leave this page right now because you are not human, or you are not a woman and you will not relate.

Yet we find there is countless opinions out there and maybe we shouldn't listen to each and every piece of advice. Some people just like to vent, or stick their nose where it doesn't belong, or they feel they know it all and we all need to follow their advice to the T or we will die and go to a fiery hell, surrounded in a sea of twerking Miley's. 

I'm not sure why it is. Maybe because of my lack of seriousness personality, or that I just ignored it all before- but it appears there has been more nose stuck in my business since the birth of my daughter. Yea, I know- a new baby and everyone wants to oooh and ahhh and as a new, proud mother I want to share every single second of every single day with WHOEVER wants to listen. You may not find it so cute and amusing when I tell you about how Angie had a smushed pea suck to her left temple because you've seen it a hundred times already with your own children. But it is cute and new to me.
But yea, I have learned over the past 9+ months that there were things that I should have left out of conversations, experiences that I shouldn't have shared. I'm not saying that I regret the experiences I had to endure because it was a stepping stone, but I do regret "opening up" to people who I thought I could talk to. Mother to mother. If I could take it all back, I would in a heartbeat. Because it just seemed to open myself up for attacks down the road.

And it isn't just "one thing", "one person", or "one remark", it has been several over the course of the past year. And when I'm minding my own business walking down the isle of a supermarket and I get a random strangers opinion on how I should have my daughter seated in the cart- I put all these little unpleasant sticky-note comments on one wall and it makes me feel like shit! And I'm thinking - wow! even a random stranger is trying to correct me, AM I REALLY THAT BAD?? Because like I said in the beginning- we all want to be good mothers (well, most of us- excluding the crackheads and the like who need their uterus's extracted immediately so they don't breed more crackheads into the world and they all end up either in prison for heinous crimes, or on welfare squirting out even more crackheads.) (This does not pertain to *all* crackheads, I'm sure there are good crackhead moms out there just trying to make ends meet in a cold, hard world of judgmental moms.)

I know you're never really supposed to let people know when they've gotten under your skin. Because that allows them to do it to you over and over. Believe it or not, some people enjoy doing that to others. And maybe some people don't realize the effects of their opinions/advice/snide remarks, but I am going to tell you right now that it did get to me. Because now I look at everything I say and do and I question myself if it is the right move to make in front of other eyes. I wonder if they are judging me. Questioning my ability. And if it got to me, then I know it gets to other mom's who had to endure similar experiences.

Bottom line- words hurt. They stick. They stick then, they stick now and they stick months down the road.

So, thank you (sarcastically. And this is the part where I want YOU to feel bad about the pressures you've inadvertently or intentionally put on a new mom who is trying her best to be a good mother and raise her child right.) for your comments through out the months. I really needed that (like I need a hot poker stick rammed up through my anus and out through my skull like a shish-ka-bob) to keep me in check and on the right page in the book of  How To Be A First Time Mom The Right Way Because Any Other Way You Will Be Criticized Until You Feel Unworthy And Ashamed.


So there you have it. I think I am going to make it a point from here on out that I am not going to let this get to me any longer. Because if it is affecting me, it is affecting my daughter. And shame on YOU for inadvertantly having that negative influence in her life! (see what I did there?)