Wednesday

Had such horrible nightmares all night. Dreamt someone broke into my house (? not sure, but I think I lived in this house.) So I escaped and ran down the road to a huge farmhouse to call for help. The burglars found me there though, but I managed to hold one down and choke him to death. Well, I thought I did until he started moving around. So I went back with a razor knife and slit his throat.

I guess those dreams are better than the ones I've been having where Steve leaves me for his ex, since she is able to have children whereas I'm having difficulties. Or the dream I had of the little baby boy I gave birth to that looked just like Steve, but the longer I held him, the more he started transforming back into a little fetus. Not size-wise, but more so in his features, with the big head and beady little eyes.

I'm scaring myself with how positive and busy I'm keeping myself this past week. I haven't cried since Sunday, though Monday I had a few misty-eyed moments at the doctors office when I walked in and there were 4 pregnant women surrounding me. And of course my eyes kept drawing their attention on the ultrasound room, where just a week beforehand it was there that I found out the heartbreaking news.

But enough of that.

Just yet I'm faking it, 'til I'm pseudo making it...

Eyes wet toward, wide open- frayed.

If God's taking bets, I pray he wants to lose.

Adorableness.