A handful of years ago, when I moved back to Michigan- I went and got a *tramp stamp* tattoo (and if I'd known at the time they were called tramp stamps, I would have gotten it in another location) that simply says "At Night She Dreams".
I was careful as what to get permanently marked on my body- I knew I wanted words being that at the time, I was heavily into writing poetry. I knew I wanted it to be something I had written so I know it would be unique and customized. And I knew I had to get something that represented me. I also knew that if someone was to see the tattoo, that they'd wonder what the meaning was behind it. So, being that I literally dream a very significant amount of times almost every night- I could simply say, "I dream a lot".
The poem I'd written with that phrase in it really sums up the reasoning behind the tattoo. Little did I really know it then, but that's how it always happened. I would write how I felt, and then later realizing the true meaning, and powerful impact the poem really had at the time, whether the meaning was intentional or hidden.
Anyways. Just yesterday I was sitting out in the sun thinking about how I become less creative when I'm happy and content. My writing always came from a dark place. A beautiful place, but very dark and raw. And unfortunately, writing really isn't a part of my life anymore, though I think about it often. But I found that since I've been married and sincerely content and comfortable (and knowing I have stability)- that I don't have such a dark place to derive from anymore. Which is totally ok! I have noticed a significant shift even from my photos, they're more pleasant than they've been before. I'm content with that change. I know I'm not stuck in the past, and that I'm growing into my future.
But last night I had such a depressing dream. It was short, and to the point.
I dreamt that I leaned over to grab something, exposing my At Night She Dreams tramp stamp tattoo to Steve, and as I felt him tracing the words with his finger- he said; "Your tattoo, it's fading."
And that was it!
This morning I felt very depressed when I woke up, remembering that dream. My tramp stamp means a lot to me. It reminds me to think of myself, and follow my own dreams- however small or simple they may be. I never ask for much in life. I never have. I always give and make sure everyone else is taken care of, and all I've asked for in return is allow me to have my own dreams.
Now, I'm not saying that my husband or my content life is preventing me from having dreams, let alone following them. But like I said, when I get comfortable I start slacking on the creative. I'm ok with being happy and I wouldn't change my life right now for anything! I have truly found the love of my life, and our life and future together is my number one priority.
I guess it's just a bit on the depressing side because I'm saying goodbye to a very large chunk of my life that hindered me. (What?! Did I just really type that??) My dreams- figuratively speaking or not- was the only thing I had to rely on to keep myself going. For many years, I've held onto them, cradled them and nursed them to grow along side me. My dreams were once my first and foremost priority, and now they're not.
Now is the time to let go of those particular dreams- Set it free so I can conjure up new dreams.
I guess?!
So- some people are probably curious about the poem that inspired the tattoo, so here it is: But I do warn you, the poem isn't pleasant. I do not condone violence in any sense- and yes, the poem is partly true but only on both levels of emotional and physical abuse. Though I did not harm anyone, and I never went to jail for murder.
At Night She Dreams
No one could see the burning anger
that hides well deep in her eyes.
Pretending what he says doesn't matter,
she hides the bruises and scars with lies.
It's only at her last patience
when she runs away to hide.
Fearing no one could ever save her
she swears her mouth not to confide.
At night, she cries
to let it all go away.
And at night she dreams
of a far away peace that only she knows.
Wherever her mind takes her
that's where she goes.
She dies each time he hurts her mother
she clutches her fists tight.
He claims it's just his frustrations
as her screams pierce into the night.
She closes her eyes to dream
but too much noise drowns her thoughts.
He bursts into her room with anger
yelling it's all her fault.
A tear slides down her cheek
she tries to show she's just mad.
She can't let him know he's her weakness
while trying to hold back
with all the pride she had.
At night, she'll cry
all her emotions steaming.
Promising herself it'll all end soon,
at night, crying to the moon.
She lay in bed with silence
too scared to take a breath.
She thinks about running away
and even makes up stories about his death.
Distantly she hears him cursing
all the way down the hall.
Her eyes welled with tears
as she presses herself to the wall.
Her heart beats louder
she's afraid he could hear.
He flips the light on and stares,
she tries not to show her fear...
That night, she cried
pleading with God to help her.
And that night, she swore
he gave her the answer.
All those times she cried
too scared to run away.
Hoping that someday she'd be free,
now that time had come.
He came home from working
his expression made her smile.
She knew this was the moment
she waited for a while.
He started in with her mother
and she fought with all her might.
While running to the bedroom
my mind repeated what would happen tonight.
I knew just where to find it
and I knew what had to be done.
Staring blankly on the floor of the closet
I tightly gripped his gun.
That night, I cried
sitting all alone in the cell.
And that night, I cried
I was finally free from that hell.
Smiling to the moon- I said,
I'll be free from here someday soon.
I was careful as what to get permanently marked on my body- I knew I wanted words being that at the time, I was heavily into writing poetry. I knew I wanted it to be something I had written so I know it would be unique and customized. And I knew I had to get something that represented me. I also knew that if someone was to see the tattoo, that they'd wonder what the meaning was behind it. So, being that I literally dream a very significant amount of times almost every night- I could simply say, "I dream a lot".
The poem I'd written with that phrase in it really sums up the reasoning behind the tattoo. Little did I really know it then, but that's how it always happened. I would write how I felt, and then later realizing the true meaning, and powerful impact the poem really had at the time, whether the meaning was intentional or hidden.
Anyways. Just yesterday I was sitting out in the sun thinking about how I become less creative when I'm happy and content. My writing always came from a dark place. A beautiful place, but very dark and raw. And unfortunately, writing really isn't a part of my life anymore, though I think about it often. But I found that since I've been married and sincerely content and comfortable (and knowing I have stability)- that I don't have such a dark place to derive from anymore. Which is totally ok! I have noticed a significant shift even from my photos, they're more pleasant than they've been before. I'm content with that change. I know I'm not stuck in the past, and that I'm growing into my future.
But last night I had such a depressing dream. It was short, and to the point.
I dreamt that I leaned over to grab something, exposing my At Night She Dreams tramp stamp tattoo to Steve, and as I felt him tracing the words with his finger- he said; "Your tattoo, it's fading."
And that was it!
This morning I felt very depressed when I woke up, remembering that dream. My tramp stamp means a lot to me. It reminds me to think of myself, and follow my own dreams- however small or simple they may be. I never ask for much in life. I never have. I always give and make sure everyone else is taken care of, and all I've asked for in return is allow me to have my own dreams.
Now, I'm not saying that my husband or my content life is preventing me from having dreams, let alone following them. But like I said, when I get comfortable I start slacking on the creative. I'm ok with being happy and I wouldn't change my life right now for anything! I have truly found the love of my life, and our life and future together is my number one priority.
I guess it's just a bit on the depressing side because I'm saying goodbye to a very large chunk of my life that hindered me. (What?! Did I just really type that??) My dreams- figuratively speaking or not- was the only thing I had to rely on to keep myself going. For many years, I've held onto them, cradled them and nursed them to grow along side me. My dreams were once my first and foremost priority, and now they're not.
Now is the time to let go of those particular dreams- Set it free so I can conjure up new dreams.
I guess?!
So- some people are probably curious about the poem that inspired the tattoo, so here it is: But I do warn you, the poem isn't pleasant. I do not condone violence in any sense- and yes, the poem is partly true but only on both levels of emotional and physical abuse. Though I did not harm anyone, and I never went to jail for murder.
At Night She Dreams
No one could see the burning anger
that hides well deep in her eyes.
Pretending what he says doesn't matter,
she hides the bruises and scars with lies.
It's only at her last patience
when she runs away to hide.
Fearing no one could ever save her
she swears her mouth not to confide.
At night, she cries
to let it all go away.
And at night she dreams
of a far away peace that only she knows.
Wherever her mind takes her
that's where she goes.
She dies each time he hurts her mother
she clutches her fists tight.
He claims it's just his frustrations
as her screams pierce into the night.
She closes her eyes to dream
but too much noise drowns her thoughts.
He bursts into her room with anger
yelling it's all her fault.
A tear slides down her cheek
she tries to show she's just mad.
She can't let him know he's her weakness
while trying to hold back
with all the pride she had.
At night, she'll cry
all her emotions steaming.
Promising herself it'll all end soon,
at night, crying to the moon.
She lay in bed with silence
too scared to take a breath.
She thinks about running away
and even makes up stories about his death.
Distantly she hears him cursing
all the way down the hall.
Her eyes welled with tears
as she presses herself to the wall.
Her heart beats louder
she's afraid he could hear.
He flips the light on and stares,
she tries not to show her fear...
That night, she cried
pleading with God to help her.
And that night, she swore
he gave her the answer.
All those times she cried
too scared to run away.
Hoping that someday she'd be free,
now that time had come.
He came home from working
his expression made her smile.
She knew this was the moment
she waited for a while.
He started in with her mother
and she fought with all her might.
While running to the bedroom
my mind repeated what would happen tonight.
I knew just where to find it
and I knew what had to be done.
Staring blankly on the floor of the closet
I tightly gripped his gun.
That night, I cried
sitting all alone in the cell.
And that night, I cried
I was finally free from that hell.
Smiling to the moon- I said,
I'll be free from here someday soon.
