Sunday, October 31, 2010

October 31st

i. Celebrated my husbands birthday last night- sushi, plum wine and sapporo. Needless to say we were a little tipsy. And when we thought we were sober again later on, we decided to get into the jacuzzi. It was nice being that it was crispy cold outside. Though I think the bubbly heated water reactivated our sleeping drunken-ness. It isn't wise to try and do acrobats in a jacuzzi.
ii. Graduation dress came yesterday, I'm so excited for November!
iii. Lots of photographic goodies tomorrow, along with buffet for lunch. mmmm bufff-eettt.


iv. imperfections









I get stupid excited over imperfect photos. Sometimes I take them on purpose, or play around with slower shutter speeds just to get something different. Sometimes I take them by accident. I have a whole folder dedicated to imperfect photos- pics from different albums that I've transferred into it. If only I had time to play with them as much as I spend on everything else.





Saturday, October 30, 2010

*snore*

A lazy day of not doing much of anything. Tired- sore.

Started to clean out/back up (again and again and again) the massive photo albums here on my pc- came across some restoration pics I did a couple years ago.
Forgotten all about this.




Thursday, October 28, 2010

Misfits and Snow Days

I can't believe tomorrow is Friday, already! And what a long day that will be. Seems we're doing the Misfits show tomorrow night down in Jersey. I'm actually excited about that, even though I'm going to be dead tired before the show even starts. I'll probably be passed out in the dressing room, or on a couch somewhere in the venue. At least I'll have Saturday off to recuperate.

And I can't believe it's almost November! Snow will be here soon.
Maybe a few snow days.

This was a bad storm last year! Very unexpected. This was coming back down in 1st gear after getting stranded on top. It seems I was the only car that had all wheel drive, and could make it over the mountain- though once I reached the top there were cars all over the place, blocking the road through. So I had to sit and wait for them to move out of the way.
Total chaos.

The DPW plowed down our street- and blocked the driveway with all that snow!




 We took the 4 wheeler out on the the frozen GWL- over to The Breezy where they had their annual bonfire on the lake. So cold that night.



The neighbors yard after the tons of snow melted.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Content, today.

Did an anniversary luncheon today down in Jersey at the Sheraton Crossroads Hotel. Beautiful view of the mountain ranges, though it was very foggy and rainy out.
Home by 3 :)
Gives me time to play around with photos.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Tuesday's never gone...

Early morning run to Round Lake to catch the fog.
And I say *early morning* only because as I was sleepy eyed and coming to at the crack of dawn, I heard the all too familiar faint sound of the garbage truck, and I quickly realized I'd forgotten to put the trash out. Again.

So, picture if you will something out of a comedy where I had that gradual growing two second realization before I hurled the blankets off my body, and jumped three feet in the air and out of bed, only to rush out to the top step of the front deck and notice all the neighbors garbage cans were flipped upside down and strewn all about.
They were in and out.

Stealthy bastards.

But I made use of the morning. Got dressed and out the door.

Revisited Monroe- haven't been here in a handful of years.




Monday, October 25, 2010

Oh Em Gee

Monday Morning

I was up before the sun this morning. Drove around with my camera- The main reason I love this area in the Fall is actually for 2 reasons.
-The colors.
-The fog during this season.
The foliage in this area is just vast, but you don't really notice it until the season changes in October- when you really get a eyeful of the color palette this area has to offer.
It's a guarantee around this time of year of the heavy fog that'll just sit and linger in the early hours. Being that I'm in between 2 mountain ranges, some days it drifts on for hours. Warwick right now is sunny, while we're still in the gloom.
Though I do not mind. Not today.

I waited patiently for over an hour on top of Mt Peter. Warm in my truck with the window cracked to let the misty breeze take a peek in to my little world of comfort and silence. If I closed my eyes, I would have sworn I was by the ocean, just without the taste of salt in the air. I waited for the fog to settle down over the valley so I could get some photos of when the sun would touch the peaks and colorful arrangements of trees and farmhouses.
But there was a thunderstorm in my stomach and I needed coffee. And the fog wasn't lifting quick enough.

So I drove over to Wawayanda. By now it was a little past eight a.m. Down through Warwick the sun was out, the birds were restless in the air. Looking back, I could see the thick grey air hovering from where I just came down from.
It wasn't going anywhere, anytime soon. I had its promise.
Driving back up further down the mountain range, I encountered more fog, giving the beautiful Wawayanda an early morning, drizzled ambiance. It was like going back in time twenty minutes ago from the top of Mt. Peter.
Wawayanda was more like opening my eyes to Hawaii for the first time. The birds sung, so lively, and the air was a mixture of warmth and dampness, though it was still sunless.

And I thought, only for a split moment, of how I'd give anything to be back in time to that period. I wouldn't have that sunken pain, deep in my stomach and tugging at my heart...

But I didn't let that thought wander too far. I wanted to breathe in the calmness that Wawayanda offered to me at that moment.

I didn't spend too much time there. I felt I didn't deserve the tranquility, not with the mood I've been in the past few days.

So I drove back up to Mt. Peter, parked in the same spot I was in an hour before. The fog still as heavy. I watched a flock of crows spinning around above where the mist met the drop off to the valley below. Sailing in and out of the haze.

The thunderstorm in my stomach had gotten louder, making me feel almost sick.

It was time to go home.



Sunday, October 24, 2010

24th

Editing is done, everyone is happy. Everyone but me, seems my camera wants to act up lately. I think I'll be taking a trip to PA sometime soon to have it checked out.

Moving on to homework... Reading up on some materials, printed out my reading assignments/field assignments for the next few chapters, maybe get some of that in tomorrow. I would really like to go down to Wawayanda and spend some time by the lake, preferably in the early morning when the fog is heavy down in the valley. Maybe drop off that roll of film I've had for the past 2 months.

Though this is a short week, it's going to be another long one. It's nice having company to keep me occupied. Trying to get some things together for Steve's graduation next month. So exciting!
Oh, and home made pumpkin pie was outstanding!

Dinner with some very awesome girls on Tuesday. It's been too long and I can't wait for us to get together.


Friday, October 22, 2010

October 22nd

Sat with the Dr. early this morning- the fetus was that of a girl, she was missing a chromosome. A case like this is also knows as Turner Syndrome. This occurs in 3% of conceptions, 99% of which end in miscarry or stillbirth. 1 in every 1,500 to 2,500 births (wide range, I know) are of that of a child with Turner Syndrome. Everything indicates that this, and the other miscarry "just happened" and we shouldn't be alarmed. Yet. If I miscarry again, then further testing will be done on myself and Steve.

SO. That's out of the way.

Trying to make sense of the mess that the house is in. Most of the gifts for Christmas came pouring in the past couple of days. I have to hurry and wrap them so prying eyes don't peek. A sugar pumpkin is sitting on the counter top anticipating to be baked into a delicious pumpkin pie, and clothes are scattered everywhere, patiently waiting to be steamed, folded or hung. I can't believe the amount of clothing I have accumulated.
3 full size dresser drawers, 3 small dresser drawers, and an entire closet in the spare room which includes 2 hanging racks (one on top, and one on bottom) and a shelf full of folded clothes.

And I'm still behind on editing.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I came to upload pics, but image uploading is disabled for maintenance.

House guests for the next several weeks and tons more pictures :)

I'll be having some time off soon, though I've already done what I wasn't going to do- busy those days up.
But oh well. Hopefully the decent weather will stick around for a little bit more. I still have some photo shooting planned out in this beautiful foliage.

Lots of good and exciting things coming up the next couple of months!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Ranting.

I have to rant, because it goes along with something I feel strongly about.
Bullying.
Or just being a juvenile ass to begin with, no matter what age you are.

I read a status update on my facebook last night, a girl I went to school with who has Psoriasis, she had a customer where she works make a rude comment to management about her skin condition. That she doesn't "cover her scabs".
Mind you, this was an adult who made this remark.
Now I don't know the full details of the story from beginning to end, but that much I know is the facts of what happened. And that's enough for me to know.

Really people? Are we going to resort to grade school behavior?

Another incident that happened yesterday involved myself. I was at the grocery store, walking down the beverage isle and I see a coupon posted on the shelf, so I stopped to check it out. There was a guy and a girl standing nearby. I heard the guy make the remark "I smell fried chicken, do you smell fried chicken?" to the girl, and then there was a long pause before she started giggling, which made him giggle. I just so happened to look at the couple, and they were looking at me.
Whatever inside joke they have between one another, and whatever smelling like fried chicken means to them, they obviously referred that immature, less-than-humorous joke to me, considering we were far from being near the fried chicken section of the super market.

My first reaction to quickly picking up that I was the brunt of their joke was to giggle too. Just not in a "haha I can only IMAGINE what that fried chicken reference is, and I'm soooo dying to know why you're designating it to me..." kind of way.
My second reaction was to pick up a nearby litre of water, and chuck it at his head.
But then I'd be sinking down to his maturity level, I suppose.

Honestly people, GROW UP! I'm all about laughing and having a good time, making the best of my day... but not to the expense of others.

My interaction with these morons (I can display my immaturity here in my blog by calling them morons, it doesn't count as sinking down to their level...) wasn't quite as upsetting as hearing about my friend who has Psoriasis, who still has to put up with uneducated, childish remarks as an adult.... from other adults.
That part bothers me the most, knowing that people who have conditions such as hers, or even other challenges they have to face through out their lives, are still getting pick on and treated differently.

To me, that says a lot about the idiots out there. What kind of people are they? Certainly not someone I would want to be around.

Monday, October 18, 2010

It's THAT week!

Could I possibly be done with Christmas shopping !????
No.
But I got a really good start, all the big items are on their way. In fact, just the small things are left -like little stocking stuffers and what not.
God bless online shopping and Amazon.com. Who has time to go to the store and actually shop?
Pffft... don't look at me.

It's that week that I'm finishing some time consuming projects. And the week to celebrate a tiny little milestone for my honey and I.

This week can't move along fast enough. I'm considering making a home made pumpkin pie for the weekend. Like, baking the sugar pumpkins in the oven, scooping out the insides and everything.
This Friday is our 6 month wedding anniversary and I'm thinking we'll be going out for dinner at an Italian place in Middletown (my husband just isn't too good on being inconspicuous sometimes).
Anyone have any good pumpkin pie recipes?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Busy weekend.

We managed to inherit a boat yesterday. A free boat.
Yes, it runs. The inside needs some attention. Steve was hesitant, and I almost slapped him senseless when he was considering NOT taking it from his brother.
So, we have it, sitting down at the shop waiting for us to come down and love it. It's awesome that we got it just in time to winterize it. HA!
Next summer we'll have it out on the lake, I'm sure.






Finished photo results were AWESOME, if I do say so myself. Still have tons of editing to get done, so I need to start that soon.
This week will be another short one, and some much deserved time off at the end of it.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Friday.

Stayed up really late last night cleaning the house, got up really early to take recycles out... though they didn't pick up until well after 10am. A-holes. If I didn't get up that early to get them out, they would have showed up at 7. Now I'm dead tired, but can't nap.

Everything else is done, except pics. 

...and here I go..............

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Agenda for tomorrow.

So much to do in the next two days. I should be cleaning the house up (yes, at 8:30 at night), but I'm too exhausted from this long day. I should be editing more pics so I can have them ready for tomorrow (as I promised), but I don't have the brain power right now to accomplish that.
My plan is to get up super early tomorrow, take the recyles, clean the house up, do some food shopping for the weekend, get some laundry going (and fold what's been in the basket for the past week), and then crank out some more pics that way I can have them posted by tomorrow evening. 800 + photos takes some time to sort through. Especially with me because I like variety and I like to offer as much as I can when I shoot.
Then somewhere in there, I'll make room for breakfast. Or at least a cup of coffee. And maybe if it stops raining I can vacuum out the truck from the hay and corn stalk mess I made on Monday.

All of this sounds good, and hopefully I can use this blog as an outline and motivation for tomorrow.
In fact, I think I'm counting on that.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Wednesday

Had such horrible nightmares all night. Dreamt someone broke into my house (? not sure, but I think I lived in this house.) So I escaped and ran down the road to a huge farmhouse to call for help. The burglars found me there though, but I managed to hold one down and choke him to death. Well, I thought I did until he started moving around. So I went back with a razor knife and slit his throat.

I guess those dreams are better than the ones I've been having where Steve leaves me for his ex, since she is able to have children whereas I'm having difficulties. Or the dream I had of the little baby boy I gave birth to that looked just like Steve, but the longer I held him, the more he started transforming back into a little fetus. Not size-wise, but more so in his features, with the big head and beady little eyes.

I'm scaring myself with how positive and busy I'm keeping myself this past week. I haven't cried since Sunday, though Monday I had a few misty-eyed moments at the doctors office when I walked in and there were 4 pregnant women surrounding me. And of course my eyes kept drawing their attention on the ultrasound room, where just a week beforehand it was there that I found out the heartbreaking news.

But enough of that.

Just yet I'm faking it, 'til I'm pseudo making it...
Eyes wet toward, wide open- frayed.
If God's taking bets, I pray he wants to lose.



Adorableness.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

New Things

My dog is vicious. The bark, the bite.


Fall/Halloween decorations I did in the front.





Lot's of new photos, over 800 to edit my little heart out with. Looking forward to this week since it's a short week, and I'll have plenty of time... and I'm not rushing it one bit. Usually I have to do two sets that consists of over 50+ photos. One set with that professional look that most people like and chose from, and then the other set where I get to play around to my liking.

Here's some (more) of those:



Just because I love the Fall

Lot's of good things.

Yesterday was the best photo shoot.


Monday, October 11, 2010

Back to me.

Well.
I guess I have to pick myself up and continue forward. A lot of things came to a grinding stop the past month or so, and the only way to move along is to busy myself to death to snuff the pain out.

Have a photo outing today with an adorable 3 year old, down at Wawayanda. Before hand, I'm stopping at a local farm market to pick up some Halloween/Fall decorations for the front deck. I'll be using them for the photo shoot as well. Should be a fun day, and it's been forever since I've been to Wawayanda.
Really looking forward to it.

My Zenfolio is so far behind and in desperate need of updating. Yet I have a feeling that task will be put off for another couple of weeks, at least.
Not to mention my computer room has been seriously neglected and needs a good organizing.

Then later today, a check up doctor appointment. Hopefully they'll have some answers for the tests they've done last week on the fetus. Maybe give us some sort of insight or lead... or even peace of mind. I'll settle for that.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

October 18th, 2009


Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts.
Mayflower II (taken from the other side)

Steve went out on tour with the Misfits for a couple weeks. I had to stay home for the majority of the tour because of my work schedule, though I was able to go out on the road with them the first weekend. Over the course of 3 days, this is really the only day that sticks out in my mind. The night before, we drove up until around 2am. The vehicle we drove in was a box truck that held all the stage equipment for the shows. Stopping at a truck stop, eating crappy truck stop food, washing up in dirty truck stop bathroom. Slept, or if you even want to call it that, in the front seat, the two of us crammed up from lack of room. The snow fell thick and heavy on the fogged up windows. If I remember right, it was the first snowfall of the year. What a frigid night. Plenty of blankets and pillows to keep up insulated- though we ended up turning the engine on a few hours later to get some heat accumulating inside. I remember opening my eyes to the early morning light. Outside was wet. The snow didn't stick around, but left slush and dampness. Breakfast. More crappy truck stop food. Brushing my teeth in dirty truck stop sink. Picked up a crappy truck stop coffee that I ended up just taking a few sips out of, and then dumping it outside.

On the road again. Tired. The rest of the crew met up with us during the night and they're following us to Plymouth Rock. A few hours later, we arrived. Windy and unbearably cold. We park the box truck by the loading dock. Steve gets out, but I wait in the warm truck. I wait until he comes to get me and we go inside to check out the building. Loud, some other band is doing sound check. We find the dressing room. Decent food, lots of beverages to chose from. And there's the couches, the oh-so-comfortable couches. I lay down. The music gets louder- someone opened the doors. I'm out.

I wake up when the noise stops. We find out we're really close to the Mayflower and the Plymouth Rock. We ask if anyone else wants to join us in exploring, and only one other person is interested. We make our way down to the waterfront and quickly found the monumental artifacts of American history.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

For you.

I posted this awhile ago, but quickly made it private. But I want to post it again because I know you come here. I'm not sure you had a chance to read it before, so here it is now.



I don't know why I care to even tell you, and you probably won't believe me anyways. But I will give you this piece of information and you can do with it what you will, though it will probably just cause you more pain.


It wasn't only me. There were others, whether he will admit it or not.

Before I left to come back home, I went to the bathroom to wash off my face. His bathroom. As I was drying myself off with his hand towel, I noticed hair was wrapped all in it. Dark, long curly hair. It wasn't mine and from the looks of it, it wasn't yours either.

It certainly doesn't matter much now, but at the time he told me there wasn't anyone when I would ask about any "relationships" he may have had around that period.
It was obvious he was lying to me about his personal life. That moment with the hand towel confirmed it. Could you imagine how I felt when I saw that? Like a damn idiot. Like you, I had some amount of trust established in him.
Up until that point I thought him and I were on decent terms. Well, I was hopeful that it could be possible anyways. Enough to where he could at least be a true friend to me and tell me the truth. I was very truthful to him the entire several years we'd been talking... just as I am to everyone else.
So hate me if you will if that's what you need to do in your grieving period.
That was some years ago and I've gotten over it.

As far as being concerned about his well being? Maybe it was a lie, but he portrayed to me he was really messed up over what had happened in Iraq. That and his drinking problem confirmed he had some type of demons chasing him.
Who knows what the truth is now? Maybe he did all that to make me feel sorry for him? I don't know.
I guess it worked because I still cared about his well being.... that is, up until yours and my myspace conversations when I found out about your relationship with him for several years, and it had me wondering how many others there were besides you, me and the girl with the dark hair.

I didn't ruin anything single-handedly, or even knowingly for that matter. Like I said before, I would have never gotten involved in that type of drama if I had known what was really going on in his life.
Maybe he was just a piece of shit who used me, you and whoever else.

I really do hope you find peace with this. I know you don't want any type of words of comfort, especially coming from me... "the girl who ruined your life".
I'm sorry you're hurting from all of this.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

And now, the finale...

Some might not be in loop with the news- or not sure the details.
If you're looking for details, you won't find them here. I haven't the emotional strength to hash out the last several days.

We suffered another miscarriage.
Monday I found out the baby's heart had stopped beating sometime recently.
What makes this worse than last time is a lot of factors;
One being this time I was almost at 10 weeks, and there was a baby this time, not like last time where I had the Blighted Ovum.
Two, my husband is away in Albany for an 8 week training program for NY State, and is unable to come home until the weekends.

The arrangements were made and taken care of yesterday morning.
Physically, I am well. Just sore from the surgery.
Mentally/emotionally, neither myself or Steve are taking this easy.

A lot of unanswered questions. A lot of anger and frustration, and just tired of this bullshit that we've gone through with trying to have a child.
I know getting upset doesn't help, but I have to go through all these emotions before I can have any type of closure.

Tomorrow's another day.

Due some recent unfortunate circumstances, we are forced to start back at square one.
There are so many questions, most I'm certain will go unanswered. Some I probably don't want to know the reasoning behind. It takes something so traumatic to strip yourself back down to your bare bones and focus on what (and who) is really important in your life. No bullshit. I want to be left alone from the bullshit, and the bullshit knows where the bullshit stands- and I'm telling you right now, bullshit, go find somewhere else to stew your pot of stink. I don't have the time, nor the energy to deal with you in my life.


And in other uplifting news? There's always tomorrow.